So yesterday I was again stuck behind a flatlander on their way up to the mountains. Okay, I was stuck behind a LOT of them. And I was cursing them. Don't worry, I was alone. But I was really annoyed because I was alone for the first time in a while and I was all set on blaring my Nine Inch Nails, driving entirely too fast, and really enjoying my trip home before coming back to the reality of spit up on my maternity top (yah, I'm still wearing one, a whole month after having the baby, thank you very much) and a preschooler who honestly thinks I want to play Power Rangers with him. Where do they get such crazy ideas? I really don't mean to belittle. I only use the term to separate the valley residents from the foothill folk. I mean come on. I was a flatlander up until last year.
If you have no clue what I mean by flatlander you probably are one yourself. Flatlanders are residents of the lower elevations. Valley dwellers. And every day, those of us who live at the higher elevations are subjected to your shoddy driving skills. It's not entirely your fault. You just aren't accustomed to driving on curvy roads and hills. I really do sympathize with you. But what I do not understand is why many of you insist on staying in the fast lane as the 168 ends. It is perfectly clear that we are going down to one lane but many of you still won't let anyone pass before this happens. Why? As soon as your lane ends, you are going to be traveling at the breakneck speed of forty miles per hour. It is nothing short of excruciating to know that I must now travel for 20 miles up a one lane road behind you. And believe me, I have the missing patch of hair to prove it. So I am here to offer you my wisdom and advice for driving in the foothills.
To begin, understand that most modern day cars come equipped with some type of stability control so you should really not fear turning over as you maneuver through the curves. Don't be afraid to give it a little gas. There really is no need to brake through EVERY curve. Really. Trust me. I have an SUV and I have yet to flip that baby over. And I don't take my curves slow either. If you are that afraid of turning the car over then feel free to fudge the curve a little. That is go a bit over the line. Now, this is only recommended if one can see a ways down the road. Let it not be said that I believe in reckless driving. Come on. I do have kids. But it is in my opinion, that the public works people (whatever, the people who draw the lines on the roads) have tried to take the fun out of driving and have purposely made the curves a little too tight for my liking. So, take your car a bit over the line, and you'll find that the curves are not quite so tight. And you'll save a bit of gas to boot. You know what they say. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Now who couldn't use a bit of savings. Am I right? My next tip is for those of you who are just not going to drive any faster, no matter how many people ride up your tush. Rumor has it that if four cars are following you, and you are going slower than the speed limit, than is it your duty to pull over at the next turn out and let them pass. I have no clue if this is true or not, and despite the fact that my husband is a police officer I really doubt if he knows if this is true either. Here's what I do know. If you are driving like a snail, and some one comes up on you at fifty miles an hour and gets right on your tail, slow down to five miles an hour. What you are doing is rude but what they are doing is much ruder. And just for fun, brake every few feet. Laugh at them when they pass you and wave too. It will feel really great! Now, if you are driving like a ninety year old grandma and someone like me drives up to you, maintains a safe distance, and patiently waits for you to reach a turnout, even if there is only the one car, the kindly country folk thing to do, would be to safely move into the turnout and let me...I mean them, pass. If you practice this manner of driving you will most likely get a friendly wave and perhaps even some fresh veggies from their garden should the person know where you live. Do not continue driving slow as molasses, passing turnout after turnout, and then continue to get annoyed and pissed off because now the driver behind you is inching up on you and starting to wave their arms around and banging on their steering wheel getting obviously angrier by the second because you refuse to grant them the right of way. Just get the heck out of the way.
The country is a really beautiful place and we all enjoy driving in it. But did you know it is also a great place to alleviate stress? So why not take a drive by yourself and bring your loudest music with you. I recommend Nine Inch Nails. Trent Reznor loves shouting obscenities and nothing can make you feel better about your own life than someone singing about how much their life sucks. Turn up the volume, roll down the windows, and enjoy!
As a side note I feel I must address the cycling enthusiasts. It seems since that Lance Armstrong fellow came along, cycling has become a cool thing to do and not what it really is, a sport for people who can't really do sports. I mean come on. Guys that shave their legs? That's just too weird for words. I don't share the roads with cyclists and neither should you. Maybe I wouldn't be so perturbed but I can't help it. I have to drive these roads to get to and from my home. Cyclists have what are known as "BIKE PATHS" at many local parks. They should stay on them. But no. They come up here. And not only do they ride their bikes in what are really just skin tight leotards, but they ride side by side. So every time I come around a blind curve, even if I'm only going five miles an hour, I have to worry about hitting them. Fun, huh? I get the allure of riding in the country, but perhaps it would be wiser to ride somewhere that actually has a shoulder to the road. And then maybe, ride in it.
Anyway, I have always enjoyed driving on mountain and foothill roads. So much so that while living in the bay area and going to college, I did my research and purchased the poor man's Porsche, a Ford Probe. Oh yes folks. Envy me if you must. I would if I were you. That baby hugged the curves of the north bay mountain roads like a dream. And while the body was not anywhere near as stylish and attractive as a Porsche, that's not why I purchased my dream car. On my days off from work and school I would take her out and drive up and down the hills by myself for hours, blaring my music and clearing my mind. I finally graduated from college and had to sell my beauty. I got my degree from San Jose State and per my school's requirement, I had to buy myself a brand new Honda Civic. But I digress. I hope I have helped assist you valley folk in navigating the foothill roads and perhaps made the driving a little less scary for you. One last tip. If you ever find yourself behind a diesel truck, find yourself a turnout, preferably one with some cool rock formations, light up a Marlboro if you so fancy one, and whip out the camera. You are going to be there for a while. Those big diesel spewing trucks, especially the Ford 450s, hauling horse trailers, are completely oblivious to anyone behind them. They drive about two miles per hour, and they shoot out toxic fumes that linger for hours. So have yourself a rest, and take some cool photos of your friends on those giant rocks. And next time you find yourself driving in front of country folk and you're going thirty, pull over. We just might throw you a wave!
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